Forgive me if I am not here tomorrow, For my heart has turned to stone, And my living soul forever gone... Forgive me if I am not here tomorrow, I will now be the shepherd of the clouds, I will be in the one breath of the winds, And I will be in all the tears of the sky. Forgive me my love but I had to die, I could not bear to see you cry, Even if yet we have not even met...
- Rowan
While travelling to meet what would be my third - and hopefully last - kick for this year, I was violently reminded of the day when I went to meet my ex, Natasha. I was taking the same road, six months later, to meet up with another girl. It wasn't much different though. I'm seriously starting to question the purpose of dating someone. Even if I simply want to fill in an emotional need, I cannot but see chaos when it comes to women and my life. One after the other, they appear and disappear, leaving burning marks on my heart. I started out young and fresh, and now I feel old and used. I guess I need a pet or something...
He stood in the deserted alley, contemplating the heavens. People tend to ignore the sky during the day, and instead focus their attention on the clouds. But he was different. He smiled to the skies, and they smiled back to him. The universe was opening up again. His thoughts lingered on the vague philosophies of good and bad. Even if both are completely relative, from the laws of Karma, if someone hurts you, that person should be hurt in an equal amount by somebody - or something - else. However, he wished to hold the katana in his hands once again, to make those people pay dearly for what they did. The words of his friend echoed though his brain, and he dropped those insane thoughts. "She'll get payback for what she did. I wish it was I who gave it to her though." Women are mysterious creatures. They use men, use them again and again, and finally dump them. And on top of that, they have the guts to claim that men are wildly insane and unemotional creatures, driven only by the will to procreate. He lit a cigarette, and for the first time in his life, he was thankful that the world was full of dicks who were endlessly using women and dumping them. At least, somebody was making them pay for everything. Even if the sword was not in his hands, he knew that somewhere out there, there were men extracting revenge for him. He caught himself smiling at the irony - the men he had always hated were now his only hope. Finally, everybody has a purpose in life.
Today's the 28th of December. Dom's finally leaving to get settled in South Korea, with his girlfriend.After almost three years of long distance relationship, Dominique finally managed to get everything right, manage his time and money and leave the country. We should appreciate the fact that South Korea (that's where his girlfriend lives) is 8 hours ahead of Mauritius, and that he successfully managed his relationship during those many years. I know what it takes to manage a long-distance relationship. I've been there, done that - and I'm certainly not going back.I should be happy for him, but I can't help feeling sad. Seeing your buddies go away sucks.
Knowing two girls of the same name can be frustrating. Especially if your contact list on your mobile phone is badly organised and you happen to be drunk as from 21h every night. It also gets a little bit worse if you're seeing both of them at the same time. I personally witnessed my friend struggling with the conversation as he stealthily tried to inject questions into the conversation to find out more about the identity of the girl. Which one was it? The one he was dating - or the other one he was dating?
Unfortunately for the non-poly-dating people, having people dating more than one person at once actually decreases the chances of us [the non-poly-dating people] finding a partner. This situation is even more irritating for me as I happen to be a complete loser when it comes to finding a partner (you must have noticed).
Why would it be wrong to date more than one person? What is more important - satisfying a biological need for reproduction, or satisfying the moral need for love? Some might argue that love does not exist. And I will retort: "neither does the biological need". Yes, the "biological need" emanates from the brain. Assembling a dick and two balls does not make of it an organ with a need. What's required is a series of interconnected neurones controlling that dick. If love is a by-product of your neurones, so is your life, your biological needs, and everything else.
Finally, for the likes of the poly-dating people, I would like to bring forward an argument. Whether you're a male or a female, consider this:
- How do you choose a friend?
a) Because the both of you get along really well
b) Because that person is exactly like you
c) Because that person is cute
Answer (a) and (b) seem to be the most sensible ones. Answer (c) seems so silly.
Now answer this:
- How do you choose a life partner?
a) Because the both of you get along really well
b) Because that person is exactly like you
c) Because that person is cute
I leave the rest to you.
Best of luck for the marriage, Q!
We're all with you... in a way :)
I Wish I Had An Angel
I wish I had an angel
For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel tonight
Deep into a dying day
I took a step outside an innocent heart
Prepare to hate me; Fall when I may
This night will hurt you like never before
Old loves they die hard
Old lies they die harder
I wish I had an angel
For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel
Your Virgin Mary undone
I'm in love with my lust
Burning angel wings to dust
I wish I had your angel tonight
I`m going down so frail and cruel
Drunken disguise changes all the rules
Old loves they die hard
Old lies they die harder
... Last dance, first kiss
Your touch, my bliss
Beauty always comes with dark thoughts
...
I am left with absolutely no goals in my life. Graduating from university? I don't care if I fail or pass my university modules; I'm revising for them for the sake of revising - I'm doing something: it's the ultimate proof of me still being tortured by my own living consciousness.It's my own fault if I don't have any long-term or short-term goals. I didn't do the right things, or wasn't motivated enough to do them; and above all else, I kept believing that one day, the loneliness would not be here any more.
On the left is a pic of me when I was three or four... I wish I had known back then that life sucked that much.
I could feel my brain knocking the sides of my skull as I walked into the Nenuphar Store once more. It was the first time I stepped in since I got that Royal Kick from the girl working there (see my previous post). I wasn't really thinking of the girl (who is way too cute by the way) but more of how I fucked up on the Formal Logic questions in the exam.I can't remember what I bought at the shop, but there came the little kid working there holding a piece of paper with a phone number and "Rachna" written on top of it. "No shit," I thought. "Aren't I a lucky bastard?" I had the girl's number. I guessed she wrote it for me and wanted me to call her. Nothing could've been sweeter. Yes, I had the number of the hot babe working there. Hooray!I ran back home, and decided I wouldn't call her right away. I'd wait a few hours, I thought. I just couldn't sit straight... I had her number! I think I walked around my room a few times to take my mind off her.
After a painful two hours of waiting and nail-eating, I called her. When Rachna first heard who it was, I could almost hear her mind exclaiming: "Oh my fucking God, where did that bastard get my phone number? Oh well, I'll talk to him, with some luck he might die a painful death tomorrow." It turned out that she didn't intend to give me the number; the kid working at the shop had pitied me and given it to me. It was, technically, another sort of kick. Not a real kick, but it brings the same hot unpleasant itchy feeling to the butt. Fucking hell.
I think I won't ever have any luck with women anymore. Being a nice guy without bad intentions doesn't pay nowadays. I am a only a dog in a country of lamb and wolves.
Kick - Painful hot feeling in butt without prior contact with foot.
Here's my updated hit list for the year 2006: 1. Natasha Frederic (She deserves it. That bitch.) 2. George Bush (Do I need to explain WHY?) 3. The Teletubbies (All of 'em) 4. The 10 O'clock Flic-En-Flac Ticketer (I might spare him. Depends on the weather.) 5. ------------ The 5th place is free! If you want to apply, send me your CV with a complete list of reasons why I should be in my hit list. Limited seats.
It's raining in Flic-En-Flac.I was filled with an immense sadness when I woke up today. I felt as if I just missed something - something very important. What did I just do? What did I miss?
I know I had this feeling before, but I can't remember when. This is so weird.
I've been making so many retrospectives of my life lately that I think something is wrong. I remember the days when I was running to school accompanied by mom, the CPE results, my first day at RCC, the archery club at Rose-Hill, Dominique and his crazy plans, my HSC results, work at Eisos, Cuan's .NET courses, my life with Natasha...
It feels as if everything is gone, the past having turned to dust, leaving small traces in my memory and marks on my heart.
Right. Now that I'm single and all, I decided to blog out all my attempts at getting a girlfriend. Attempt #1 Wed 07 December 2005
I saw her three days ago. It was her first day working at the Nenuphar shop. God, wasn't she cute... heh... well, I decided to go to talk to her yesterday (Tuesday, 6th Dec) but she was already gone. I managed to leave my phone number with a kid working at the shop, instructing him to give it to her the following day.
Well, today, I dragged myself to the shop and saw her walking out of it. I dunno where I found the courage to go talk to her, but I did it.
- Hi, you're the new girl working at Nenuphar, right?
- Hi... yes
- Can I know your name please?
- Erm... why do you want to know?
[me thinking - wtf...!?]
- I just wanna know you and stuff
[me thinking - wtf am I saying man...?]
- It's Rachna.
- And how old would you be, Rachna?
- Whyyyyyyy do you wanna know?
[me thinking - wtf man, wtf?]
- Well, you know, I just wanna know you and stuff...
[me thinking - shit, this isn't going as planned]
- Look, I can't talk to you right now...
- Okay, at what time do you finish?
- 5 pm
- Okay then, I'll see you then!
7 hours later, a casually dressed Rowy was strolling towards the Nenuphar store. I admit it - I did spend quite some time getting dressed.
She came out. We started to talk.
- So, what's up, Rachna? Can I walk you to the bus stop?
- Erm... no
[me thinking - Maybe I should just quit it and run away as fast as possible.]
- Well, would it be okay to talk over here then?
- Yeah, but I really have to go
[me thinking - This is very bad]
- I understand. But you haven't told me your age yet...
- But... why do you want to know?
[me thinking - Dammit, Rowy, think of something]
- Well, you see... I saw you three days ago and I thought you were real cute and I wanted to talk to you
- Ah...
- You're in high school, I presume?
- Yep. I just did my HSC
- Oh, so you should be 18 or 19 then
- 18
- Ah, great. And... erm... do you have a boyfriend?
- YES
[me thinking - oh my fucking god, what am I doing here]
- I didn't know, sorry
- Well then, I'll get going
- Okay, we'll talk some other time
- No
[me thinking - sigh]
And this concludes my first official kick at Flic-En-Flac. For those out there wondering what kick might mean, here's my definition:
Kick - Action of violent rejection by an attractive female.
I am tired. Of the opposite sex. Of women running around "oh I want a nice guy" and end up screwing all the sadistic males around. Why? Because those guys are hot. Those same women end up eating ice-cream or chocolate while their female friends pat their backs - "Oh, you know, he doesn't know what he just lost." Okay, I'm pissed. I just wanted to point out to all the nice and nicer guys out there - the nice guy always loses it all. This statement implies that I'm in the "nice guys" club. Well, yeah, I guess so. I've got good examples to contrast with. Me: How serious would you want it to get? Friend: I just want to have an open relationship. Me: Meaning? Friend: It's like a pact, you know - you can have sex with anybody you want, while still being with the other person. Me: But... Friend: Yeah, that would be real neat. Weirdly, I wanted a girl for totally the opposite reasons. Not for the sex, but more for the emotional affection. Everybody keeps telling me that it's not fatal to be alone. Ha. The shimmering light of the pixels is like alchemy - a science that brings loneliness and seclusion to the ones caressing it.
My drinking spree is finally over. It hasn't been without consequences though. I've been pondering over the last few years of my life - the end of high school, the company where I've been working, my first kiss, how I cheated on Yusha, how much of a dick I was to Natasha and - well, many things.
The thing is, I was on the central highway, alcohol pumping through my veins, and this song started playing in my head. It's not like I knew the song; I was just making it up as it played in my head. Interesting effect of alcohol - I could hear it as if it were really playing somewhere around, but I still knew that it came from my mind.
However, I don't think I'd trade a few minutes of lyrical ingenuosity for a great many hours of suffering in the morn and nasty long-term effects on my liver. Heh.
This is Antony, my neighbour. He's omnipresent in Flic-En-Flac - he's a face you can't miss. If you came to Flic-En-Flac, and didn't see him, then you missed the whole point of coming over here.
I hang around with him when I'm not glued to my screen. I've been in Flic-En-Flac longer than him, but he seems to know the place better than I do. Heh, the perfect guide for this town... erm... village :)
The Elric Brothers are particularly talented in Alchemy. However, after the death of their mother, they attempt human alchemy to bring her back to life; the process turns out to be a failure. Alphonse, the younger brother, loses his body while Edward loses his arm during their mother's transmutation. Both of them set off on their journey to find the philosopher's stone, reputed to be the most powerful alchemy tool. The stone allows the one who posesses it to bypass the natural laws of alchemy and obtain what they want; and there is something the Elric brothers want the most - their bodies.
The Full Metal Alchemist is a well-made japanime. The story gets more and more complicated as the episodes fly by. It manages to translate words, images and sounds into deep emotions. My favourite.
The Nobuseri - bandits who transferred their consciousness and souls into machines - make a living out of stealing the rice from the peasants. The Kanna village decides to find and hire Samurai to fight off those bandits. There starts the tale of Kirara, the Water Priestess, accompanied by her little sister Komachi and Rikichi, a man particularly scared of the Nobuseri. They manage to gather seven Samurai, and their story stretches far beyond defeating all the bandits, while they discover the rules of a system with them at the bottom of the ladder.
Samurai 7 is not the typical japanime. The story is serious, complex, full of surprises and extremely well made. There is no complaining about the quality of the art, especially the Nobuseri, which seem to have been modelled and rendered in 3d. Samurai 7 is one of the best - if not the best - anime around.
After Kurosake Ichigo has been entrusted with Shini-Kami powers, his pass times radically change from being an ordinary person to cutting through the non-living with his huge soul-cutting katana, also called Zanpakto. However, after a violent battle where Ichigo's powers are taken away from him, his friend Kuchiki Rukia is forcibly taken to Soul Society to be punished for her crimes - that is entrusting a human with Shini-Kami powers. There starts Ichigo's Odyssey to find new Shini-Kami powers, get stronger and save Rukia.
Bleach gets closer and closer to the old Dragon-Ball styled japanime with its violent battles spanning through several episodes, and the impossibility absolutely everything.
Here's a list of the latest Anime I've been watching. Best ones first - 1. Full Metal Alchemist 2. Samurai 7 3. Bleach 4. Naruto 5. Green Green 6. Elfen Lied 7. Excel Saga 8. Chrono Crusade 9. Chobits 10. Tsubasa 11. Hellsing 12. Full Metal Panic 13. Vandread
Forgive me if I am not here tomorrow,
I Wish I Had An Angel
I am left with absolutely no goals in my life. Graduating from university? I don't care if I fail or pass my university modules; I'm revising for them for the sake of revising - I'm doing something: it's the ultimate proof of me still being tortured by my own living consciousness.
It's raining in Flic-En-Flac.
My drinking spree is finally over. It hasn't been without consequences though. I've been pondering over the last few years of my life - the end of high school, the company where I've been working, my first kiss, how I cheated on Yusha, how much of a dick I was to Natasha and - well, many things.
This is Antony, my neighbour. He's omnipresent in Flic-En-Flac - he's a face you can't miss. If you came to Flic-En-Flac, and didn't see him, then you missed the whole point of coming over here.
The Elric Brothers are particularly talented in Alchemy. However, after the death of their mother, they attempt human alchemy to bring her back to life; the process turns out to be a failure. Alphonse, the younger brother, loses his body while Edward loses his arm during their mother's transmutation. Both of them set off on their journey to find the philosopher's stone, reputed to be the most powerful alchemy tool. The stone allows the one who posesses it to bypass the natural laws of alchemy and obtain what they want; and there is something the Elric brothers want the most - their bodies.
The Nobuseri - bandits who transferred their consciousness and souls into machines - make a living out of stealing the rice from the peasants. The Kanna village decides to find and hire Samurai to fight off those bandits. There starts the tale of Kirara, the Water Priestess, accompanied by her little sister Komachi and Rikichi, a man particularly scared of the Nobuseri. They manage to gather seven Samurai, and their story stretches far beyond defeating all the bandits, while they discover the rules of a system with them at the bottom of the ladder.
After Kurosake Ichigo has been entrusted with Shini-Kami powers, his pass times radically change from being an ordinary person to cutting through the non-living with his huge soul-cutting katana, also called Zanpakto. However, after a violent battle where Ichigo's powers are taken away from him, his friend Kuchiki Rukia is forcibly taken to Soul Society to be punished for her crimes - that is entrusting a human with Shini-Kami powers. There starts Ichigo's Odyssey to find new Shini-Kami powers, get stronger and save Rukia.